29 Aug The Sound of One Shoe Dropping

I don’t expect to be back in New Orleans for several weeks yet, but I can scarcely restrain myself, Gentle Reader(s), from weighing in on the latest developments in the long-running saga of Her Honoress, Mayor LaToya Cantrell of New Orleans of Louisiana. Over the past few years I have occasionally documented in these pages the travails of LaToya as she squandered her once considerable political capital in a succession of unseemly controversies and scandals. The mayor’s dealings with sketchy local business persons have been extensively documented, as has her fast and loose manner with the civic coin and civic property, and, most notably, her barely-concealed extramarital dalliance with a police officer (Jeffrey Vappie) assigned to her security detail. Cantrell’s attempts to bully, intimidate and obfuscate her way out of these assorted trespasses have also not gone unnoticed. The prosecutorial birds of prey began circling in earnest a couple of years ago and they have finally made their long-anticipated move.

Generally speaking, it has never really been a question of ‘if’ but rather of ‘when’ in regards to the Cantrell/Vappie indictments. One school of thought had it that the paperwork would be filed before December 31, 2024, in order to avoid complications regarding any shuffling of personnel at the U.S. Attorney’s Office arising from the ascendancy of DrumpfReich 2.0. Others felt that The Powers That Be would apply pressure for the indictments to be held back until after Stupor Bowl LIX, which took place at the Louisiana Stupordome on February 9 of this year. The notion here was that Our Pigskin Overlords would consider it unseemly for the host city of this sacred ritual to be saddled with a chief executive freshly accused of various and sundry acts of malfeasance. In the end, it was the ‘save it for later’ school of thought that prevailed and the 18-count, 44-page indictment came down on August 15.

The city’s first female mayor has thusly added another benchmark to her resumé: Cantrell is now the city’s first sitting mayor to face criminal charges… and this is New Orleans we’re talking about, folks.

A portion of the U.S. Attorneys Office’s press release summarizes the circumstances related to the Cantrell/Vappie affair as follows: “Intimidating subordinates; harassing a citizen; lying to colleagues and associates; deleting evidence; making false statements to FBI agents; giving the grand jury an affidavit signed under oath and penalty of perjury that contained numerous false statements; and, ultimately, committing perjury before a federal grand jury, all for the purpose of distracting and impeding inquiries and investigations, including a federal grand jury investigation.” And that’s not all of it—there’s also the six counts of wire fraud which relate to Vappie billing the city for hours during which he claimed to be on duty but was, in fact, enjoying a bit of slap and tickle with the mayor (described in the press release as being ‘engaged in personal activities’). Impressive, eh wot?

If nothing else, the mind doth truly boggle at the mayor’s extraordinary hubris. To a significant degree, the actions that have brought her political career to its current state of disrepair and disrepute were conducted with remarkable brazenness. This suggests either that Cantrell was naive enough to think that no one would notice her indiscretions, or that she didn’t care as she considered herself politically bulletproof. Recent coverage in the New Orleans press has detailed how the mayor was repeatedly warned by associates about the potential consequences of her behavior. In every one of these cases she stubbornly rejected advice that she didn’t want to hear. Sound at all familiar?

When it became apparent that people were, in fact, noticing what she was up to Cantrell’s assorted attempts to cover her tracks were hamfisted and ineffective. Be advised, Gentle Reader(s): Delete as many WhatsApp messages as you want, but they’re still lurking out there somewhere, waiting to be pored over by a federal grand jury should things go pear-shaped. The wire fraud charges aside, it wasn’t so much that Cantrell and Vappie were having an affair as much as it was the attempted coverup that really came back to bite them in the collective ass. Shades of Bill and Monica, in case anyone can remember that far back.

For all of the accusations of financial footsie that have swirled around Cantrell the current indictment apparently represents what prosecutors felt was the pick of the litter. Over the course of her two terms the major engaged in a variety of questionable dealings that, at the least, skirted propriety if not legality. Ultimately, it was all penny ante stuff—some free Saints tickets here, a few thousand in cash under the table there. In terms of actual dollars this kind of bargain basement influence peddling seems laughable given the current state of Orange Goblin Multinational Mega-Grift.

Call me an old softy, but I can’t help but feel a measure of sympathy given that the mayor’s ultimate comeuppance has apparently come down to matters of the heart. This essentially human failing lends a rather Shakespearean aspect to the whole sorry saga. It appeals to the tragic romantic in me.

But brace yourself, good people, for we have finally arrived at the exciting part.

This where I go out on a limb and actually speculate about something that would, in just about any political climate other than the one in which we currently reside, seem utterly ludicrous and unthinkable. Here we go: I realize that LaToya doesn’t have a whole lot of time left in office (her last day is January 12, 2026), but just suppose that the notion occurred to her that it might not be a bad idea to start ingratiating herself with a certain Bulbous Buffoon currently occupying High National Office and residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC. Hint hint hint…

It would definitely not go unnoticed by the MAGAverse if Cantrell were to offer up, say, a warm and fuzzy welcome from City Hall should ICE want to step up its evil faceless ministrations in New Orleans—a deep blue city in a deep red state. Perhaps Cantrell might strike a devil’s bargain with Governor Jeff Landry and invite the National Guard to 610 Stomp on into town to address the city’s festering crime problem. There is a diverse menu of Drumpf-adjacent policy initiatives that the mayor might consider throwing down in this, the Götterdämmerung of her political career. After all, it’s not like she’s got a whole lot to lose at this point. And lest we forget, this is a strategy that is already being put to the test by another embattled mayor of a major American metropolis—no less than Eric Adams of New Bjork.

Sound crazy? Well, yeah, I ‘spose so, but these days any damn thing is possible and when it’s yo ass what is on the line a body just gots to do what a body gots to do. Cantrell will undoubtedly mount a strenuous defense when her day in court finally arrives and conviction is never a sure thing, but currying favor with a certain Orange Amigo holding the mighty power of the Pardon in his oily pocket might be a wise strategy. There is little that the Goblin loves more than a good grovel and he will have three years remaining in office after Cantrell terms out. In damning her many critics and tormentors LaToya has repeatedly invoked that magical phrase so dearly beloved of the Goblin—Witch Hunt!!—and is actively positioning herself as yet another victim of prosecutorial overreach.

Cantrell’s arraignment in the federal courthouse on Lafayette Square is scheduled for September 10 at 2:00 PM CST with the Honorable Karen Wells Roby, U.S. Magistrate, presiding. Now-former NOPD officer Vappie will also be on hand to hear the charges against him and enter a plea. He has already been indicted (last summer) for wire fraud and making false statements regarding his relationship with the Mayoress. No trail date has yet been set.

Stay tuned, Gentle Reader(s)—for the other shoe remains very much in play.